First of all, I’m gonna give A LOT of context.
- My mom brutally abused me from when I was a baby, all the way until the day she passed away back in 2020. Part of this abuse was by destroying the dreams I had of one day getting married and having a beautiful wedding by telling me that it would be about her and what she’d want… Not me and what I’d want. She also drained my grandparents’ retirement fund as well as the small “future fund” they set up for me.
- When my aunt’s step-son got engaged in 2014, my mom made me pay $100 for his fiancé’s wedding dress. Less than a month later, she was knocked up and that money was wasted. That November, at a “shotgun” style wedding in my aunt’s living room, less than 5 minutes after saying “I do.”, he walked up to me and said “We’d pass you the bouquet since you’re technically next to get married, but you’re too much of a bitch to get married!”. His kid was born the day after Christmas, and the marriage was over less than 3 years later. His ex-wife is now with a woman.
- Despite the abuse, I actually love my mom… When she got sick, I did my best to take care of her with the help of my grandmother. When she passed away, I was completely catatonic. To the point that I actively overworked myself, almost to death. It also didn’t help that my mom passed away the day before the Pandemic was declared. Despite my best efforts to talk to my aunt and grandmother about my mom and what she did to the family, I was never able to actually grieve…. Because my aunt and her step-son were more focused on his 5 year old daughter who was experiencing her first loss. It literally felt like my mom wasn’t my mom, and that she was my little cousin’s aunt. My aunt’s step-son did not bother ever taking his daughter off of my aunt’s hands… He didn’t do it the day mom passed, and he lectured me and called me names for being upset all the time within the first year. He didn’t start being sympathetic towards me until Christmas 2021, when he brought his latest girlfriend over to meet the family for the first time. Even then, I still couldn’t talk about my mom and what she did because his daughter would always run into the room and scream at me for saying “bad things” about “her aunt”.
Yes, I am well aware that I need extensive therapy…
So, here’s where I get to the main part of the story. On May 5th, 2015, at Avengers: Age of Ultron, I met the love of my life. He was one of my best friend’s college friends. We became friends and started dating on April 4th, 2016. This man is an absolute saint. He saw me through the worst times in my life and never judged me. He’s never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do. He’s patient with me. We play videogames, watch anime, enjoy comics, talk about the most stupid stuff, love Disney, and have very similar styles. This man is my friend first, and my lover second. We even celebrated our first anniversary by going to the theater to watch the live action remake of Beauty and the Beast. I got us rings that say “His Beauty” and “Her Beast” for that event. On May 5th, 2023, we got engaged after we saw Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3. The proposal was not a surprise. In fact, I helped him pick out my bridal set, and by that point, we had been planning the wedding for about a year.
A few months ago, I told my aunt that, since my mom’s passing was made to be about my little cousin, I was afraid my wedding would be made to be about her too. She promised me that she wouldn’t do it. For weeks, while I tried talking to my aunt about the wedding related stuff that my mom did to me, and how I’m excited that I get to have my way now, my aunt kept saying “Its your wedding, you have what you want!”.
Literally the day after I got engaged, my fiancé and I went over to my aunt’s house to announce the engagement. Everyone was delighted, but not surprised. We also announced that we don’t want to get married until our 10 year anniversary in 2026, that we want a long engagement so that its less stressful, and that my aunt’s step-son is not invited to the event. My aunt then started telling my little cousin “M is gonna make you look so beautiful for her wedding!”. After a few minutes of her asking me what I’d like kiddo to wear (we’re allowing kids over the age of 5 to the event), I said that I want her to wear something nice, maybe a little bit nerdy. I also asked where the money for kiddo’s outfit was going to come from and my aunt said “From your wedding savings!”.
I was BAFFLED by this idea. We’re not having a Flower Girl. Our Wedding Party consists of my best friend, his best friend, my best friend’s boyfriend (our Flower Guy, also a longtime friend of mine), and maybe my fiancé’s mom. There will be no children part of the wedding party. My Flower Guy is gonna wear Thug Life glasses, throw rose petals from a Spider-Man fanny pack, and dance down the aisle to “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone. It will be a VERY nerdy event!
So, we tried to steer the conversation to the idea of having an engagement party. At the time, we were on the fence about it. My aunt kept insisting that my fiancé and I pay to have it at a restaurant. We did not like the idea…Then I tried to talk to my family about helping us pay for the wedding. I told them that I don’t expect much, I know what my mom did to my grandmother’s finances. I’d just like ANY help. We’re actively taking steps to keep expenses low. No booze. Less than 60 people total. Tiny wedding party. No Bachelor/Bachelorette parties. We’d like tacos instead of anything fancy at the reception. I’m even going for a black dress instead of a white one! As of right now, I’m the one who has bought the stuff that we do have for it.2 weeks later, on 05/20/23, at our next visit with my aunt and grandmother, we decided to address the issues. We told my aunt that we don’t want an engagement party since my fiancé’s grandfather (the one he loves very much and is super important to him) has 2 forms of aggressive cancer and is currently immuno-compromised. So, we don’t want to have an engagement party so that we can protect him. My aunt gave us A LOT of attitude for this.
Then we tried to tell them that we don’t intend to pay for kiddo’s outfit, since she’s not part of the wedding party… But, my grandmother then piped up with “Let’s dress her up like Belle!”. I shot that down, but my aunt said something along the lines of “Not THAT princess.”… That’s not the first princess idea that I’ve had to shoot down. My grandmother also suggested something Sailor Moon related for kiddo since I love the anime… And I’ve had to explain that I’d like to be the only one wearing something from that anime at the event (I already have Neo Queen Serenity’s tiara for it).So, to keep my fiancé and me calm, I tried to steer the conversation to my weight loss. I’ve always been small, but between the fat-shaming that my grandfather did to me as a toddler, the fact that my mom weighed 600lbs when she passed away, and the fact that my grandmother occasionally pokes at my legs and calls me “pudgy”, I’d like to lose a little weight for the wedding… Its a miracle that I don’t have an eating disorder… But, I’m doing a diet of “no soda or fast food on weekdays”, and a small workout regimen of “10 crunches and 2 walking laps around the apartment building a day, to start”. My grandmother looked at me and said “I won’t notice you’ve lost any weight until you lose 50lbs!”. I almost said “50lbs! From where?!”…Needless to say, we ended up leaving that visit extremely angry. But, we needed to vent our frustration before anything got said. So, I waited until Sunday night to say anything to my aunt. I sent my aunt 2 long text messages. I explained that kiddo is not dressing up like ANY princess for my wedding. That she’s not a princess that day. That I’d like her to wear a light, flowy, cute little dress with maybe some pink roses on it, cute flat shoes, simple jewelry, and not have any “bling” in her hair. Basically, since we want a garden wedding, we’d like kiddo to wear something that would be appropriate for it. I went on to explain that my fiancé and I are not obligated to pay for her outfit, as she’s not part of the wedding party, and that the only constraint on where the clothes come from is “No Temu”. (We’ve heard awful things about that app.) Then I said that, since those are the definitive parameters on kiddo’s outfit, I don’t wanna hear about it again. It’s not her wedding, its my fiancé’s and mine. It’s not “kiddo’s first wedding”. Not an excuse to dress her up like a princess. There is nothing in my wedding planning research that dictates that the bride and groom must cater to the whims of anyone, let alone a child who is just a guest. That it would be a different matter entirely if she was my flower girl, but she’s not. I went on to state that I don’t want kiddo present for the “Wedding Dress Shopping Trip” and that, for my wedding, kiddo isn’t special. I also said that, from here on out, when discussing outfits, I’d like to keep the focus on the rest of us.
Well…. My aunt then sent 2 messages to respond. “I can’t answer I’m so [angry emoji] right now so don’t push so much” and “I can not come you don’t have the right to treat everyone else like shit”.
I INSTANTLY started crying. This isn’t the first time that my aunt has pulled something like this. In fact, I was expecting her to do something like this, I just hoped that she wouldn’t. My fiancé and my best friend both told me “Don’t grovel. Call her bluff.”. So, I sent a text back saying “Fine. Don’t come.” and then I texted my grandmother and explained that, until further notice, on the days that my fiancé and I would normally visit her, we’re just gonna call her. That we’re tired of the gaslighting, not being able to breathe (my family smokes very heavily), not being able to get anything done about any of the matters that need to be taken care of, and that we need a break.
Since then, my fiancé told his family about the situation and they’re all livid with mine. I’ve told 2 of my cousins and they’re upset with my aunt and willing to stand between her and me if she continues to pull stuff like this. However, 3 days later, after not speaking to my aunt since I said “Fine. Don’t come.”, my aunt texted me with notifications stating that she’s sent me $40 for the wedding… Which has left me feeling paranoid that she’s going to use that money against me later. Even worse, I’m wondering if my aunt is going to say “That’s just how this family is!” when we see her again at the end of July (we wanna wait until after both my fiance’s and my birthdays to visit again)….Everyone I’ve talked to says that, since I’m the bride, I should be allowed to have what I want. That I’m in the right for putting my foot down and that I did it in a civil manor. However, part of me thinks that my little cousin might have gotten ahold of the phone, read the texts, and threw a fit… I’m also wondering if I overreacted, or if I’m overthinking things….
Am I the asshole here? Or am I in the right?
